This Love is Electric

Friends?

2005-01-19T01:56:01Z

I love all of my friends to death and I hope you all know that. I hope you know that I would kill for you, I would do anything in my power to keep you from hurting. I will always have your back, no matter what. I wish I could explain in words the extent of love that I have for all of you. I just got in a little scuffle because I don’t care what people think about me and that’s supposedly why no one likes me. Hmm…it pisses me off because I used to call this person and friend and honestly, if anyone ever hurt them, I would still have their back. But, I do care what my friends think about me and what they say about me. But they also know that I dish out brutal honesty and hope to get it in return. All of my friends know I don’t give a fuck what people think of me, and I’m not scared to say what I have to say and I’ve been told that’s one of the reasons why they love me so much. I rather get my ass beat for saying what I want to say than sit in the back and be a pussy. Yes, I’m sarcastic. But it’s a fucking joke. Yes, I’m a bitch. But only when it’s called for. Yes, I’m sassy, but that’s just me. I’m a fucking city girl, we’re all like this. And all of my friends know that I go out of my way to help them. If anyone has ever needed money, they come to me and I’ll give them more than what they asked for. I have gone hungry and waited till I got home to eat just so my friend could eat with the money I gave them. Even though I barely have any money. I answer phone calls at 2 am and talk for hours, or just listen for hours. I have gotten up in the middle of the night to answer my door and hug a crying person. I have beaten a guy who’s double my size ass because he hurt my friend. I have gotten out of bed, gotten dressed and left my house in the middle of the night to go sit with a depressed friend. But not only have I sat with them for hours, I cry with them cuz when they hurt, I hurt. And it’s awesome because they’ve done the same for me. So why should I care what people think of me when I have a whole fucking family that loves me no matter what? Please answer this question for me, because I don’t know how to.

wesetthemotion @ 2005-01-11T09:21:00

2005-01-11T15:23:00Z

I have a confession

I dont really read my friends journals anymore.

Yes. I know. I suck.

I do these skim thingys.

SAM SAM I SEE YOU ON SATURDAY IM SO FUCKING EXCITED. I LOVE YOU.

I miss greece.

2005-01-07T15:43:01Z

It sucked while i was there cuz i missed everyone.

but i'm really homesick now. and it really sucks.

about 120 degrees every night. and sharing a room with 3 guys. it was my savior.

then this fucker broke it.

about 120 degrees. 5 am. bored. tired. i had to pee and there was only an outhouse. i have sunburn. and a heat rash on my chest. no fan. no air conditioning. i feel worse than i look.

then nate fell off the bed. and i felt better.

i laughed for about an hour. and got in trouble by my dad. but it was worth it.

i love her.

People fucking suck

2005-01-07T09:06:56Z

Thanks to people sending me pictures in emails i dont know

i hate myself right now

i want to cry

i want to kill someone

i want to fucking kill someone.

I'm protesting baby showers.....and babies for that matter.

2005-01-06T08:48:52Z

my mom is pregnant.

i no longer have a job.

i have bills to pay.

i have no money to pay my bills.

and i might be moving to iowa sooner than expected.

oh by the way, did i say my mom is pregnant?

yep. who else agrees that 36 yr old women and 57 yr old men with grown children do not need to be having more kids? I FUCKING DO. we had a nice family discussion, i got called a brat because i know this kid is gonna get dumped on me when my mom goes back to work.

i don't know who told people that babies are band aids for bad relationships but they need to keep their fucking mouths shut.

but yea, im shocked. and what do i do when im shocked? smoke too much, sleep too much and dance in my underwear. i will be doing this for the next 7 or 6 months.

i'm not going to the baby shower.

yes, i'm a fucking brat.

let me enjoy it while i can.

Uh huh. This my shit. Cuz I ain't no holla back girl

2005-01-03T06:37:03Z

So New Years day.

Let me set the scenery.

6:47 AM. The skyscrapers, the traffic, the lake, the museums, everything this city has to offer is right in front of me.

It's funny cuz he asked me the same question I was asking myself for about 2 months.

Aren't you going to miss this?

My stomach started to hurt. I felt dizzy. I wanted a cigarette. I felt like I was being suffocated. I tried to swallow but there was nothing there. And then the tears came.

I realized I was asking myself all the wrong questions.

Instead of am I going to miss this, Why am I going to miss this?

Why am I even leaving?

I thought I had all the answers but I just found myself with more questions.

And surprisingly, I was ok with it.

I might be too scared to answer, or maybe I'll find out when I get there.

Or maybe I'll never find out.

And I'm ok with it.

Today I was awake till 8 am and I started to wash my face before I went to bed and I started crying. Out of nowhere. And I can't really tell you why. I've decided to let things, people, memories, everything go. And as shitty as it felt sobbing on my bathroom floor, I felt relieved. I felt like I had come to terms with things and just let them be.

After a few attempts to get a hold of close friends, I called Edd because I just needed to hear someones voice that I knew would make things better. And it did. He lied to me, told me everything would be ok. And I've never appreciated a lie that much, ever.

After a few more hours, I was still frustrated at myself, the only thing worse than crying is not knowing why you're crying. And my mom had all the answers. She came home and played with my hair and talked to me. She said things that made it better. She said things that made it all go away. She said "Don't worry, in a few months you'll be in Iowa and away from all of this"

And I smiled. And finally fell asleep.

It's a New Year right? New beginnings, new lessons.

But you can't appreciate the New without the old. And I appreciate a lot of things now.

With the good comes the bad. Hope for the best, prepare yourself for the worst. I feel prepared.

It's just me and my friends and I'm ready for anything.

This shit is bananas.

B A N A N A S

Sympathy trips DONT FUCKING WORK ON ME

2004-12-29T08:22:13Z

So don't try it.

It's funny cuz I know how you feel more than you think I do. It's funnier because I really don't feel bad for you.

But all of these things have NEVER EVER made me want to go out and HURT people just because I have hurt. I have never used my past or incidents in my life to justify the pain I have caused others.

You're just another tragic story with no happy ending. Get used to it, you're not the only one. So no, You don't have my pity. You dont have my sympathy.

The only fucking thing you have from me is apathy.

Because you deserve nothing more than that. You deserve the hurt in your life.

This would be so much easier if you could keep your dick in your pants

2004-12-28T04:50:45Z

So I'm beginning to think about how FUCKING STUPID (some) GUYS ARE.

OHHH noooo some bitch burned me a while ago and all I want is this fucking perfect person and this perfect fucking relationship but then when I find it. BOOM DONT FUCKING WANT IT ANYMORE.

ONE ~ NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT. Not to burst your goddamn bubble, but this isn't the fucking movies. And if this is your version of when harry met sally, YOU HAVE THE WRONG FUCKING COPY SIR. Relationships take 4 BIG C'S

communication
compatability
commitment
compromise

Every relationship has problems. Every single one of them. But you see, the wonderful part of having problems is fucking solving them.

TWO~ NOT ALL GIRLS ARE THE SAME. Believe it or not, some girls aren't out there to rip out your heart and feed it to their dog. And some are. Now why why why why do we chase the girls that treat our hearts like they are nothing? Because you are stupid.

THREE~ YOU ARE BLIND. So you got the perfect girl? Oh wait, but you think you can get better. You can't. You're more than lucky you got this one.

FOUR~ STOP PUSSY FOOTING. I hate that shit. Seriously, you like a girl, do something.

FIVE~ NO DOUBLE STANDARDS. You lead her on so she finds someone else and you get pissed. But you can go out and find someone else and we're supposed to be ok with it? Hey you! Yea you! FUCK YOU!

SIX~ OUR EMOTIONS ARE NOT HERE FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT. Our hearts are not your toys. You cannot just play with them, get bored, put them on the shelf and then when you see someone else who wants to play with them you get all fucking jealous and scream MINE MINE MINE. You cannot lead us on.

I wrote the rules on breaking hearts and getting hearts broken. Don't even fuck with me.

You are not genuine, you are not amazing, you are not extraordinary. You are a little boy that doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground and trying to play the lead role in a fucking Disney movie. Grow some fucking balls.

Love isn't there one day and then non-existant the other.

You don't tell someone you love them and then fucking go try and be all cutesy with someone else.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS BECAUSE YOU'RE A PUSSY. Stop it! Love isn't all pain. It comes with some pleasure.

So grow some balls with that dick you can't keep in your pants because it's starting to get tiring. These games aren't fun anymore, there is no more rush in the chase. I'm throwing my towel in and calling a fucking time out.

And to end all of this. I might edit when more thoughts come but I'm so fucking pissed right now that my thought are all over the place.

So here is my ending statement.

My friends are not something to fuck with. Emotionally, mentally or physically. They are my family. They are my life. They are my passion. They are my LOVE. YOU FUCK WITH THEM AND YOU FUCK WITH ME. GOT IT? CUZ IF YOU DON'T YOU FUCKING SHOULD.

I might be small, but I've hurt a lot of people. One way or another, I will hurt you 100 times worse than you hurt my sisters or brothers. I will fucking ruin your life. I've done it before, and I will NOT hesitate to do it again.

She might let you get away with it. But I'm NOT one to hold my tongue or my fist. I will end you. Watch the fuck out about who you hurt next time because you just got your ass in a shitload of trouble. And you'll be lucky if you find a way out of it.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU

2004-12-27T06:17:55Z

I said I'm sorry, what more do you fucking want from me? I can't change what happened, if I could, I fucking would. I swear.

I hate how an awesome day can be ruined by the worst fucking night.

It's not just one person, it's everyone. EVERY FUCKING ONE.

I'm so confused about everyone, everything. It's so exhausting.

Every person in my life, I don't care how often I see you or talk to you has gotten a full fucking friend review from me and I'm serious, a lot of you are fucking failing.

You want to be the person that makes me happy? You want to change my life? You want to take me away from here? I want to see you fucking try. Cuz you're doing a really shitty job.

You said you want answers? Well so the fuck do I.

I'm so tired.

Of everything.

I'm seriously debating whether I should come back from Iowa on the 17th or just stay there. What do you think?

Oh wait.

I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK.

Thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.

2004-12-23T02:54:30Z

Cause now that I can see you...

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE WORTH A SECOND GLANCE.

Last night, changed me. These past 2 months have changed my life. But last night...I can't explain.

I let some things out, I talked to him.

There's no sense in asking questions, because he doesn't even have the answers to them. But I feel like I don't need to know anymore, it's not my place to know.

I'm moving to Iowa. And until I get there, I will be visiting twice a month.

Please

don't

hate

me

for

this

but this is what makes me happy.

and this is what I'm going to do.

so if you love me

you'll be happy for me. and put your selfish needs away

and let me be happy for once.

cuz you said yourself.

I DESERVE IT

You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.

FUCK HOT TOPIC

2004-12-20T06:33:45Z

Work today was horrible.

I was only 14 minutes late cuz of my fucking bus and timmy wouldn’t let me stay an extra 15 minutes to balance the time out. So I don’t get paid for ½ an hour. Yea, sure its like 3 bucks. BUT ITS 3 FUCKING DOLLARS I WORKED FOR AND 3 FUCKING DOLLARS I NEED.

Bullshit. Total bullshit. So that pissed me off, the fact I had to walk a mile and half in the freezing cold to get on the bus pissed me off. The fact that I hadn’t gotten any sleep pissed me off. The fact that my fucking ear is infected for some odd reason pisses me off.

So all in all, my day started out bad. And timmy is a sarcastic smart ass and he kept nit picking and making annoying comments all day. By 12:45 I started crying on the sales floor. First it started out like I was just tearing up but as I was walking away, timmy said something again and I had tears running down my face. I think this lady bought a shirt from me cuz she felt bad.

Then timmy came up to me and told me to go in the back room and calm down. So he went back there with me and I just freaked out on him. Any other fucking day would have been alright, but no. not today. Not fucking today. He told me I was sensitive. No, no one besides my family, very close friends and my ex has made me cry like that. So I told him he was an insensitive asshole, hes not the only one having a bad day and that I was going to quit. He then gave me a hug and he told me not to quit because I need the money and he needs me cuz im one of the best sales associates. Then I pulled away from his hug, gave him the dirtiest look and said “WHAT THE FUCK? TREAT ME LIKE IT THEN!” then I walked out of the room, kept crying and was stocking stuff. Finally 2:03 rolled around, I had been crying for a good hour and still trying to do my job so I went and clocked out cuz timmy said I had to be clocked out by 2. He then tells me, you can clock out at 215 after I already clocked out. I’m not going to clock back in for a 12 minute shift. So I got my shit and left. Then he came out of the store, called me back and made sure I was going to come to work on Thursday and that I wasn’t quitting.

I said no, I’m not quitting.

But I’m not going to Minnesota anymore, I need a break with my friends. On January 15th I will be arriving in iowa at 5:44 pm with Sam

Gah. I need this so bad.

what the hell?

2004-12-18T01:19:14Z

ditching you?

for other friends?

for boys?

no love. you are wrong.

but i can play LJ war as well. READY?

GO

i've been "ditching" you for sleep and my sister. for work. for my mom.

and to think while you think i'm forgetting you, i'm spending a good hundred dollars (if not more because i'm not done with you) on christmas presents for you to show you how much i care about you and want to give you an abundance of small, simple things you might enjoy. and the other people i've bought actual presents for are my immediate family. so i dont care do i?

me and my mother have been talking a lot, and i've been spending the free time i have, with her.

when you called, i was sleeping. and i called you back, and you didnt answer.

and new friends? i'm not allowed to make friends? i barely have time for myself anymore. my fucking mind is never hushed. i live my life by a goddamn daily planner. i'm about to have a fucking nervous breakdown but lets not care about that. lets care about why mahi didnt answer her goddamn phone. BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING SLEEPING. something i barely do. and when i'm awake, youre sleeping for school the next day. and when i'm off of work, you have school or work. i'm not saying you dont have a life or anything, cuz i know its busy and stressful for you too. but just cuz i dont go to school doesnt mean i dont have other shit besides work to do. i dont have time for them and i'm sorry if its hard to make time for you as well. but i fucking try.

I FUCKING TRY. you are NOT the only one who fucking puts effort into this goddamn friendship. I call you too. but we don't mention me calling you back and not answering in our little rant now do we?

and its really shitty to throw the past in my face. which i've asked for your forgiveness for. and i "ditched" you for a dying man and a boy who at the time needed me. and a 2 month trip to greece.

and throwing the past in my fucking face isnt fucking fair at all. merry christmas to me huh?

and now everyone knows why i'm moving so fucking far away. well, thats not going to make me want to stay. it just fuels my fucking fire.

best friends means?

whatever. saturday i get out of work at 11. if you want to pick me up and i'll sleep over.

merry christmas and happy fucking new year.

the wrong words will strand you

2004-12-15T09:57:51Z

~this is to no one in particular~

ha. FUCK YOU.

You don't even know me.

You can't even begin to understand what it is to be me.

To feel the things I feel, to think the things I think, to see the things I see, to hear the things I hear.

Few people in my life really know who I am, and believe me baby, they're confused sometimes too.

It's my fucking life. I'll do what I want with it.

Yes, I'm moving to Minnesota.

Yes, I've always wanted to go to a random state and live.

Yes, I'm running away from my problems.

Yes, I'm learning to be emotionally independent.

Yes, I will fucking miss you. I already do. I dread the day that I have to say goodbye.

Love is a risk to get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.

Do you know what it's fucking like to have the purest love in the world and have it viciously ripped from you out of nowhere? Do you?

God, I know how that feels. And not even because of Michael. Because of my friends, because of my family.

I've always been alone, my whole life I've been alone. And these past 6 months, probably more, I've had this sick dependency on everyone in my life for comfort.

There are too many memories and things here that I am not ready to face and confront. And maybe after moving, I will come back and be ready to confront them. But I'm not right now. So yes, I'm going to run from them. Not even that, I'm going to leave them where they are and come back to them when I'm ready.

I've always wanted to just move to a random state. I've always just wanted to pick up and leave. And challenge myself and see if I can do it.

I'm chasing my dream, I'm leaving my problems behind, I'm learning to be on my own. And ultimately, out of this experience, I hope to find happiness.

I already miss you. So what the fuck is the difference if I'm hundreds of miles away? I barely see you or talk to you while I'm here.

wesetthemotion @ 2004-12-12T13:29:00

2004-12-13T19:31:15Z

My New Year's Resolutions

1. Stop Smoking

2. Stop letting people treat me like crap. This goes for friends, boyfriends, etc.

3. Move to Minnesota

And yea, I'm actually seriously moving to Minnesota in the summer if things go as planned. I'm tired of Chicago.

Common reactions to my decision to move:

*Why Minnesota?

Because it's far enough to let all of you little fucks realize how much you should appreciate me and the shit I do for you. and close enough to come and visit my friends. Plus it's a state I just picked off of the top of my head. So I'm going with it. Cuz I've always wanted to do that!!!

*But there's nothing to do in Minnesota!

Exactly!! That's why I want to go! Peace and quiet and break from 5th grade sounds like a good fucking plan to me, don't ya know?!

* But you don't know anyone there!

Exactly!!

I know it's a big fucking decision to make. But I think this will be good for me. And I've always wanted to move to a new state and just leave everything behind and do it on my own. So if you have any objections, let me know. Because I've thought everything through and I've played what if and all that nice stuff. But whatever, your thoughts are nice.

You brought the winter with your love

2004-12-10T03:55:42Z

If you hate yourself, you’re not alone.

I feel like a lot of my friends are making horrible mistakes. But I also feel like it’s not my place to say anything. And I also feel like they need to fuck up so they can learn from it. I’m just going to stop worrying about people and start worrying about myself. But we all know that won’t happen.

Bad timing is going to be my downfall.

Tab and Cato came over. I’m boring. Sorry guys. I’ll never be as cool as that girl with the plate in her head. But it’s ok because I’m metal.

Meh. One more day off of work to relax. I have this weird feeling I’m going to be called in.

Remember when we loved?

2004-12-07T15:12:13Z

To whom it may concern:

Remember when I was happy?

Remember when I didn't have a void in my life?

Remember when I felt complete?

Remember when small things didnt hurt?

Remember when it took a lot to get me down?

Remember my real smiles?

Remember how warm my hugs were?

Remember when I was so happy I cried?

Remember when I would scream because I was so excited?

Remember my real laugh?

Remember when I danced for no reason?

Remember when the little things mattered most?

Remember when it wasn't normal for me to be so sad that I cried?

I remember them. I remember a lot of things. I remember when you cared. I remember when you were there when you needed something. But now that I need something where are your open arms now? Oh I know, those weren't open arms, those were RECEIVING arms. And now that there's nothing to take, only something to give, your arms arent open any longer.

I admit I was never 100% happy. But then again who is? Maybe not even 50% happy. But there was at least an ounce of happiness. There was that tad bit that weighed out all the other bad things. How can you give me happiness and then rip it out of my life? How can you give me love and rip it out of my life. I understand "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" but when am I going to quit losing and start winning?

I wish I could find someone that will make all the bad things seem like they weren't there in the first place. I wish I could find someone to make me laugh and smile and hug and kiss and dance like I used to. I wish I could find someome who will bring out the better person in me.

Crying is the only thing that makes everything feel a little better. I don't want that anymore. I don't want this anymore. I don't want this life. I don't want these feelings. I don't want these tears. I don't want these thoughts.

You can't always be on top. I know that. You have to hit rock bottom. And I have, once again. It's lonely down here. And I don't feel like getting up. I just want to sleep.

You are cruel. You have no compassion. You are selfish. You care about nothing.

Thank you Life. It was a nice experience. I learned a lot. Some things I needed to learn. Some things I wish I didn't learn. But I can no longer take this. I have lost the will to try. I'm done.

Sincerely,

Mahi

I want to be the unattainable

2004-12-06T09:24:17Z

I want to wake up from this.

Everything you've ever owned is everything you lack

Every romantic moment

Every infatuation

Every souvenir I ever gave you will disappear

I will disappear

I'm meant for you

Everything is always meant for you

Everything was meant to hurt you

THIS WAS MEANT TO HURT YOU

Let me show you what I fucking mean

2004-12-05T14:59:25Z

I read a lot of my friend's journals. Do you know when you see someones life is going great, you feel like they dont deserve it so you wish for it to fall apart? Yea, I do that a lot. But now it's my life falling apart. And my friends' lives. And it's always that way.

What makes me so different from everyone else? Why are they allowed to have happiness in their life, but I'm not?

It's usually really fucking selfish people, real horrible people that care about no one else but themselves that have happiness in their lives. And here I take care of my friends to the best of my abilities, I help people out, etc. and I'm struggling over here.

I had a dream you were blind, and for some reason, I don't think it's a dream at all.

I find myself praying a lot. Then getting frustrated. I feel like no one is listening. I feel like no one wants to listen. I feel like I'm fucked. I feel like no matter how much I try to make my life better, it won't help.

I fucking hate the feeling I get when I see two people holding hands at the mall or being cutesy. I seriously want their relationship to fall the fuck apart. Because mine always do. I want people to know what it feels like to be incapable for having a romantic relationship with someone else.

I want people to get their hearts broken, sit in their house for 2 weeks crying and throwing up in a daze. I want them to be so hurt that they cant sleep at night. I want them to be so lonely that they sing themselves to sleep at night just to hear a voice. I want them to be so sad that they listen to the same songs on repeat that them and their significant other used to fuck to so it brings back memories. I want them to see their ex that they were in love with with another girl. I want them to want to cry because that's the only thing that makes things feel better so they go to Hallmark on their 15 minute break to read sympathy cards so they can cry. I want them to fucking know what it feels like because I had to feel it. And it fucking sucks.

And I want them for just one fucking moment to hate themselves and feel like it's all their fault when it's really not. For just one fucking moment to feel like they're going to die without this person in their life. For just one fucking moment to want to die when they hear their ex is with someone else already. FOR JUST ONE FUCKING MOMENT I WANT THEIR PERFECT FUCKING LIFE AND PERFECT FUCKING RELATIONSHIP TO COME CRASHING DOWN INTO TINY LITTLE PIECES ON THEIR FUCKING BODY LIKE TINY PIECES OF GLASS DIGGING INTO THEIR SKIN SO IT HURTS SO BAD THAT THEY CANT HELP BUT TO SCREAM.

I'm fucking tired of being happy for those people. I used to see them and be like aww thats so cute, thats great, etc. Now I fucking hate them for it. THEY DONT DESERVE TO BE LOVED.

and honestly, I don't think I do either.

let me see you 1-2 step, i love it when you 1-2 step

2004-12-04T05:32:41Z

Well I got my check today, a little over 200 dollars. But I havent gotten paid for wednesday, thursday or today. Work was so much fun today. Mike is so fun to work with. And so is Fitz. And Nikki-Lo but Timmy was in a shitty mood. Tim and Timmy were being huge assholes as well.

Wednesday I worked 12 hours, thursday I worked 5 hours and today I worked 5 hours.

I don't work until next monday. WOO

Thursday night was so much fun, i spent it with Justin, it was awesome. Who wants to hang this weekend?!

Thursday was the first time I didn't think of him. At all. It feels good to forget.

You have been replaced.

My goodies make the boys jump on it.

I will rip your fucking heart out

2004-12-01T12:31:38Z

I have work in 5 and 1/2 hours.

I have a life to attend to, a job to work and money to make. Yet I'm debating whether I should go tell Hot Topic to suck my cock and just sit home and sleep. I enjoy my job, I love the people I work with. Well some of them. Working is fun for the most part. But I just want to sit at home.

I am having writers block. I came to my LiveJournal screen full of thoughts I wanted to type. And now, nothing.

oh you're so cute! Talking about your stupid fucking boyfriend or girlfriend. Seriously, I don't want to hear it. He's probably gonna cheat on you with one of your friends.

Sorry, I hate stupid girls. That talk to me about how sweet their boyfriend is, like I give a fuck. I wish people would tell me these stories and then at the end say "Do you care?" So I can be like "No I fucking don't care and I would appreciate it if you never talked to me again." But instead I tell them I'll be back in about 5 minutes and never come back.

You are the unsuspecting victim.

I want to hurt someone. Just fucking ruin their life. I am so mean at 6:30 in the morning.

You're so sad

2004-12-01T08:19:56Z

So today, well yesterday, whatever was kind of exciting.

At 7 am I was woken up by the one and only Marc. He asked me what time the mall opened. Then he gave me good advice that made me cry and that I'm gonna start to apply in my life.

Then at 10 AM, my cousin Billy, my cousin Steve (that I haven't seen in fucking forever and is the most scene kid I've ever met) and Bob and Nate (of course) and two of Steve's friends came over with a bootleg copy of Alexander. It was a good movie.

During the fight scene we all got pumped. One of Steve's friends (I think his name was Drew) was like "I hope the Persians win" First of all, you don't say that in a room full of Greeks. Second of all, ummm...we all know that Alexander is going to win. It's called history. Idiot.

But then after the fight scene, when Alexander conquered Persia and avenged his father's death, he was sobbing. And there were all these dead soldiers around him, we (all the Greeks in the room. There was 4 including me) started sobbing as well. Then Billy just freaked out and was like THIS IS WHY I'M PROUD TO BE GREEK!! and Steve and Steve's Greek friend stood up and they were all like hugging and were like ZITO I ELLADA!! that means "for the glory of Greece" in Greek. Weirdest fucking thing I've seen in my life. I was crying because there were dead bodies everywhere and he was crying because he felt like he finally made his dad proud and becuase his dad wasn't alive to see him be so great. And because his dad was an asshole to him. I can relate. So I was crying. But they were all Greek pride about it.

Then I went shopping with my mom. And got a little kid's hoodie from the dollar store. It's so pimp! Then when I get to restraunt depot Tab calls me and asks me to call in work for her. HER FUCKING MANAGER YELLED AT ME. I fucking hate Sue, I was about to tell her to shove her job up her fucking fat german ass.

Then I came home and slept till 1:30 am.

I have work tomorrow. 12-5 pm. Come visit me!

I wrote the rules on breaking hearts

2004-11-30T09:48:51Z

I smoke way too much.

I don’t sleep enough.

I work too much.

I don’t see my friends enough.

So Livejournal, you would like to know what’s going on in the life of Mahi?

I have recently been hanging out a lot with Bob which is just fucking awesome cuz I missed him so much and he’s so much fun. We can be doing absolutely nothing and having fun. I love it.

I work Wednesday 12-5 pm and Thursday 6-11:30 pm. Then Justin is going to pick me up Thursday and we’re going to get a cheap ass dinner. Then we’re going to get a sleazy ass motel room and watch TV, cuddle and sleep. Because that’s how we roll.

I’ve been talking to one of my favorite girls in the world, Tabitha. After a little game of phone tag.

I got a haircut. Well just a trim. It makes me happy.

I got new shirts, a jacket, scarf and gloves.

I owe about 130 dollars on my credit card.

Today I went outside at 1:30 am to scream until my throat was sore.

I am ecstatic

My Horoscope:

Quickie:
You are not overreacting. Stand your ground. Be as firm as the situation requires.

Overview:
You're not getting through to anyone, and everyone you talk to seems to be looking right through you. Don't beat yourself up. Every now and then, the universe decrees it's time for a little tough love. It's your turn.

That’s right “friends” you’ll get your tough love.

If you know what you want, don't be afraid to go after it. Now it's your turn to watch your dreams come true. The stars are on your side, which should provide you with the assertiveness you need to go after the things that you find important. Use your intuition if you get stuck about which way to go next. Your inner voice is shouting directions to you, but you have to be willing to listen in order to benefit from it. Although others may offer you their assistance, there's a certain amount of satisfaction that comes with the knowledge that you're doing this on your own.

Today you're not just going to turn over a new leaf, you're going to turn over a whole new tree. Metaphorically speaking, of course. It's not the wisest thing in the world to go out and start uprooting actual trees.

That’s right I’m going after what I deserve and what I want. Try to stop me, I fucking dare you.

My life is mine, and I’ll do what I damn well please with it.

For this week:

Are you feeling a little torn on Monday? A little bit like you've been divided in two? Half of you wants a sandwich for lunch, the other half wants Chinese? This kind of duality strongly figures in the stars right now, and it will probably last until at least Wednesday. In other words, if you can help it, don't make any life-changing decisions until Thursday. On Friday, you're going to find yourself hemming and hawing about a big purchase -- go ahead, take the plunge. This weekend, you'll most likely spend most of your time in the company of good friends.

Yea Monday fucking sucked. Who and what do I tell? I feel like it's not my place but I feel like it is.

Daily Flirt:
If you're feeling too pushy, don't fight it. You've just gotten comfortable with your own innate assertiveness. Embrace that ambition, and you'll make a good impression in all the right places.

Haha I was a little pushy and I got what I wanted.

Daily Singles:
You're so energetic, you'll bowl over anyone in your path if you're not careful. It's a great time for first dates and introductions -- you're sure to impress people

I haven’t really been that energetic…

Weekly Lovescope:

Your emotions are strong and fierce for the first half of the week. It's a good time to take the lead and speak from the heart -- even if you overwhelm the person you're reaching out to. Your intuition will tell you when to act. Go nuts later in the week with a big, showy gesture of affection. It doesn't have to be a winning lottery ticket or a trip to the moon, just something thoughtful and original. You'll really connect over the weekend and might not feel the need to make your feelings explicit, since your behavior makes them plain.

I have a few ides about what that means, but I’m gonna wait it out.

Fuck what you heard

2004-11-29T06:34:19Z

You are simple minded.

You are not complex.

You are not complicated.

You can read my words and try to understand what I'm feeling. But we all know you really don't.

I miss that feeling. The one you feel when you touch someone. I haven't been touched in a long time. And I'm not talking about sex. I just haven't felt someone. I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I don't know how to clarify my thoughts anymore.

I don't know how to clarify my feelings anymore.

Sadness turns into anger and anger turns into relief and relief turns into happiness. Lonliness turns into grief, grief turns into mourning, mourning turns into getting over it. Getting over it turns into not wanting to let go, letting go turns into hope. Then the cycle starts all over again. I don't know where I'm stopping and where I'm starting.

My friends disappoint me so easily lately. But I know I disappoint them.

Oh look I'm strong and independent Mahi yet I depend on my relationships with other people for happiness. Yea, I know, I'm fucking working on it.

I get so pissed easily lately. My mom told me to buy a stress ball. I fear that I might just whip it at people's faces.

By the way, I knew all along. I will always find out, no matter what.

I know what my problem is, I put myself second to other people. And very few people are willing to do that for me. Thanks guys, thanks a lot.

If you DON'T know, then you WON't know

2004-11-28T14:23:17Z

You are not what you think you are.

You are not who you think you are.

You think you have yourself figured out, but you're the most fucking dilusional person I've ever met.

You can't know who you are if you don't know what you want.

You're just a little boy.

You don't know what love is.

You don't know what happiness is.

No one does.

YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME.

I taught you everything you know about love. I taught you everything you know about happiness. I taught you everything you know about making love. I taught you everything you know about what it is to FEEL when you touch someone. I taught you everything you know about being loved. I guess I never taught you on what it was TO LOVE.

She taught you to think of only yourself.

She taught you not to care.

She taught you what it was to give into temptation.

She taught you what it was to lie and to cheat.

She taught you to hurt me.

Well I'm teaching myself on how to move on. On how to hurt someone else and not feel bad. I'm teaching myself about apathy. I'm teaching myself how to be selfish and care about ME.

I feel like I walk in cirlces in my mind. I have constant feelings of deja vu when I talk to certain people, when I think of certain people. I can't help but to ask myself "why is this happening again?"

HOW DO I CHANGE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME IF I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAPPENS?

I go to new places and I feel like I've been there before. I see new people and they're all familiar faces.

Do you ever feel like you're living in a blur of thoughts, emotions and words?

Do you ever feel content but still wonder why you're even opening your eyes and attempting to get out of bed?

I've approached the border of life where you're surviving and where you're living.

My life falls into place and then out of nowhere, a mass chaos happens and everything is turned upside down, everything is scattered. I'm left trying to find pieces that fit, discarding pieces that don't but I want to hold onto them. I want to hold onto things and people that don't matter. But if they don't matter how do they affect me so much? How can they turn my life into this?

I don't even know where I belong, how do I know if I belong in your life? How do I impact you? I would like to think I make my friend's lives better, a little easier, a little warmer. But I think of some of my friends and I wonder, if I hit rock bottom again, will you be there to pick me up? Because when I hit rock bottom, a lot of you fucking weren't there.

You offer me words of wisdom, you offer me advice. But just to let you know, I'm a big fucking girl. I know my choices will have consequences. Every action has a reaction. I know my decisions don't only impact me. Do you? Because a lot of you fucking only think about yourself.

Nights are the worst. There is no comfort in the night. There is no comfort in my tears. I can't fall asleep until I'm exhausted from crying.

You all think of me as this strong girl, and believe me, I am. And I pride myself on that.

But I break down too. I feel too. And I'm tired of feeling this.

This is what my life has become. I feel like my life is slowly falling apart again, after it took me a long time to put it in place. I feel like I'm chasing after pieces, and finally catch them and my arms are too full and I can't hold anymore. So I drop all my other pieces to catch other pieces that are rapidly falling. I feel there is no use anymore. Just let it all fall down on me.

I'm in the middle of a fucking hailstorm of thoughts. My thoughts consume me.

I dread getting an apartment. I lock myself in my room now. I'll probably never leave my house. I feel like everyone will forget about me, if they already haven't.

I've let myself go. I no longer care what I look like, I no longer care what my own friends and family think of me. I've resorted to telling everyone to fuck off. And honestly, I really don't care if they do. I need my friends, I need love. But I feel like I'm alone in this game. I feel like I'm playing a one man game of dodgeball and I'm getting hit like crazy and no one is there to play on my team. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE A FUCKING HIT FOR ME.

I just wish I could stop thinking. I want to stop my thoughts. I feel like at any moment I'm about to go insane. Or just scream at someone.

I pick fights with almost everyone. I want to scream at someone, I want to hit someone. I want to let everyone know what they're doing to me. But I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to fucking blame, and I wish I did.

I hate being in a room full of people and feeling like I'm alone. I feel like I'm constantly running from my own friends. I feel like I have to hurt people before they hurt me.

You know what it's like to get off of a carnival ride? You don't know if you want to puke, but you know that you have to stand still just for one moment so the fluids in your brain stop racing around. You see stars and your vision is blurred. You can't walk straight.

I just got off the ride and I feel like even though I'm taking the time to stand still, everything is still moving and I feel like I'm missing out, like life is passing me up. So I try to move but I can't help but to stumble. I know I need to get my balance back before I can ride the next ride. But I feel like my tickets won't be valid to ride those rides when I have my balance back.

I'm not asking to be loved.

I just want someone to love.